If you know your Draenei from your Taurens you’ll be aware that BlizzCon 2014 is homing into view on the horizon. If you’re lucky – and loaded – enough to have bought a ticket for it you’ll also know that thrash royalty Metallica is headlining the final day of the con. Previous performers at BlizzCon – Ozzy Osbourne among them – have been confessed to being World Of Warcraft fans and players. We don’t know whether Metallica are WoW players, but what if they were? One thing’s for sure; they wouldn’t be in the Alliance faction. The ferocity of their music belongs to The Horde. (I can’t believe I commissioned this – Ed.)
The World Of MetalliCraft
We take a look at what sort of characters the four would be in Blizzard’s World Of Warcraft
**Probable Character Name: **Hetfield WarMouth
No, we're not implying James is ugly. Or brutish. Or has a taste for human flesh. (Although he might...) But Orcs are the nominal leaders of The Horde and since he’s the mouthpiece of Metallica, the green-skinned alpha monsters seem like the natural fit for him. Not least because his facial hair is a complete match.
As far as what class to pick for him goes, Hetfield has often expressed a passion for the – rather un-PC past-time of shooting animals for sport. While this is less than kosher in the real world, in Azeroth it’s an admirable skill. He won’t get to bring a rifle to the party, but at least he won’t be judged as harshly.
**Class: **Death Knight
**Probable Character Name: **The Unholy Uhls
Yeah, yeah, there’s something about Metallica’s drummer’s diminutive stature that immediately pointed towards Goblin for his character’s race, but there’s a bit more to it than that. The Goblins are a canny bunch; their knowledge of engineering and technical prowess is unmatched within the ranks of The Horde and their home city of Undermine shows this off beautifully – it’s a mess of twisted steampunk hovels and factories, always clicking and churning. Always working.
Lars is the engine room of Metallica, but he’s also one of its leaders. So the class of Death Knight seems fitting since you can’t even pick that class unless you’ve reached a high enough level in the game – 55, for those who are shaking their heads at this nerd's knowledge. Besides, Death Knights hale from the freezing wilds of the Icecrown Glacier. Lars is from Denmark originally. Denmark’s cold, right?
**Probable Character Name: **Hammeth The Silent
Pallid skin, piercing gaze and oh, so quiet; Kirk Hammett could convince us he’s Undead without having to even play WoW. In Some Kind Of Monster, when James and Lars were tearing each other’s heads off, Kirk kind of glided between the arguments, like he wasn’t even a part of their shenanigans. Like he wasn’t even there. He hovered over the pair of them like some intense apparition, the entire audience on his side.
The quiet ones. It’s always the quiet ones…
**Probable Character Name: **Robert Trujillo (you’re fired – Ed.)
Look at him. Just look at him. The only things missing from this picture is a battleaxe, some tassels, a pair of horns and possibly a nose ring. Other than that Trujillo is a dead ringer for a mighty Tauren; squat frame, bulging biceps, tall stature and a battlecry that’s big enough to make the fittings in a stadium rattle. With a physical presence like that what class could Trujillo be other than a Tauren Warrior? Seriously – look at him.
In fact, Trujillo’s class and race in World Of Warcraft are so self evident that I’m seriously tempted to just write ‘LOOK AT HIM’ over and over and over and over again. Even his in-game name is an obvious call.