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Have Yourself A Very Metal Christmas

Wreck the halls

Want to celebrate Christmas this year but stuck for how to make it more metal? Don't worry, we've got you covered with our step-by-step guide to having the heaviest Christmas ever.


Traditionally the Christmas tree is a Norway spruce, and what better way to commemorate the early '90s wave of true Norwegian black metal than to sever a living organism and keep it in your home until razor-sharp blackened needles fall off creating a health hazard and revealing a depressing skeletal conifer draped with cryptic ornaments. Ideally the full metal Christmas tree will feature black tinsel, red lights, an array of Kiss baubles and inverted crosses, a smattering of goat entrails (if you're a metal vegetarian, substitute goat with human) and, on top, a replica of Eddie from the Killers sleeve.


Under the tree, of course, and under a mound of vicious needles, is where Father Christmas empties his sack, and also where he puts the pressies. On the ideal heavy metal Christmas Day, all of these should be flat, twelve-inch square and packaged in that most heavy metal of all wrapping papers: tinfoil. A few soft parcels here and there betoken that Santa (that anagram's fooling no-one, Satan) may have got his magic elves to weave you that Voivod hoodie you really wanted, or a pair of must-have seasonal Slayer socks.

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