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Flash Metal Suicide: The Meatmen

This week: Rock'n'Roll Juggernaut, a "devastatingly lethal dose of surly flash metal that parodies macho cock rock so successfully that it IS macho cock rock"

“Yup, it’s balls-out sinning, and we got no shame” - Come On Over To My Crib

For a while back there in the 80's, Tesco Vee was basically the King of Punk. This Michigan bred school teacher-gone-wild was simply the last word in the stuff back then. And why wouldn’t he be? He was bigger, louder, funnier, and smarter than just about everyone else. With the Meatmen, he obliterated the notion that “hardcore” was the stuff of humourless, straight-edge, vegan eco-warriors. His version of hardcore was basically Motley Crue on a peanut butter and jelly budget. Those were good days, when Tesco was king. All the punk bands grew their hair long and started playing rock. Or, more specifically, RAWK. For proof, check out the mid-80’s output of SSD, Gang Green, Black Flag, the Necros, Verbal Assault, Decry, or the Meatmen themselves.

The whole notion of “Super Rock”, of turbo-charging your formerly tinny powerchords until they threatened to set the entire front row’s head on fire, that was Tesco. And what a showman. If you couldn’t hang with firing off 50 Borsht Belt euphemisms for tits, couldn’t break out into an iffy Middle-Eastern accent mid-song, weren’t down with gold lame suits and cowboy boots, then you just weren’t living in Tesco’s sexy-future-rock-now-Utopia. Quite simply, he made rock n’ roll fun again, and if you were too stupid or uptight to get it, then he would gladly show your pansy ass to the door. It all came to a frothy head in 1986 when the Meatmen - formerly skinny, short-haired assholes screaming about how “Crippled children suck” over ragged triple speed punk riffs - reinvented themselves as the ultimate arena-ready flash metal band and unleashed the fearsome Rock N' Roll Juggernaut, the greatest punk-gone-rawk record ever made.

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