Get Your Rocks Off: We tested the Motorhead sex toys
No Sleep 'Til Handersmith... or something
Metal Hammer asked journalist and sex educator Alix Fox to give the new range of Mötorhead vibrators a whirl, and tell us all about them. “Lemmy at ‘em!” she replied…
When I first heard that Lemmy and co. were releasing a new line of sex toys, I wondered whether they’d be some kind of schlong-sucking mechanical mouths that could give you motor(ised) head – but nope.
The new collection of officially branded grubby gadgets released by the Mötorhead fellas have nothing to do with fellatio (although if you’re the kind of bloke who fantastises about getting a BJ from CP30 or 69ing with Johnny 5, automatic blow job machines are available on the market).
Instead, the range consists of two types of vibrator. The first is an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, lipstick-sized, ‘bullet’ vibe, so called because it’s shaped like ammunition – and guaranteed to make you shoot all over the place.
The second is a classic vibrator that’s the same shape, but longer and girthier – about the same dimensions as a carrot, though arguably less suited for use as a snowman’s nose.
The little vibe has three constant speeds and seven vibration patterns, while its bigger brother has three speeds and four patterns. Each is powered by AAA batteries (triple As, like an Access All Areas backstage pass, although I recommend caution if you want to use these toys up your backstage passage – see below).
The lil’ titchy ones are £14.99, and the chunkier chappies are £29.99, available exclusively from Lovehoney.
Both models are available in a smooth, shiny silver ‘Overkill’ finish, or with a matte black coating called ‘Ace Of Spades’, and are decorated with the Mötorhead ‘Snaggletooth’ logo and lyrics from their songs like ‘Born To Lose’. They look very rock ‘n’ roll. And, as phallic objects endorsed by Lemmy, very cock ‘n’ mole.*
*I was going to try and avoid mole jokes in this article, but wart-ever.
Testing the toys – I give you the lowdown after using ‘em on my down-low moan zone
If you’ve ever used vibrators before, you may well be thinking that what I’ve just described sounds quite basic. So are these vibes actually any good? Or are they just cheap sex toys jazzed/jizzed up with Mötorhead graphics and with the price pumped up to make a quick fuck-based buck out of horny rock fans?
Well, Mötorhead’s toys are a lot like Mötorhead’s music: classic, loud, and POWERFUL.
The designs are pretty straightforward, yes – there aren’t any new-fangled nobbles, bobbles, or sticky-outy doo-dahs. However, that’s not necessarily a bad thing; sometimes you want a vibrator you can just turn on and get off with, not something complicated and whirring that comes with an instruction manual lengthier than a Tolkien trilogy and makes you feel like it might fold your genitals into an origami swan before it gives you an orgasm.
Plus, the high quality motors inside these babies pack more of a punch than a Mayweather KO. They buzz like a beehive sprinkled with MDMA. They rev like they’re about to make a cameo appearance on The Fast & The Furious 8. They’re not quiet, so you might want to whack some music on if you’re using them while your flatmates are in the house, and certain vibration patterns kinds sound like a robot jogging, but boy do they shake ‘n’ quake you to your core.
The larger version in particular vibrates so hard that it makes you shake and shudder as though you’re operating a pneumatic drill. If this is your first time trying vibrators, you might even find it a tad overwhelming. For my part(s), I wanted to glue it to my goddamn hand and play with it forevermore. In fact, if I hadn’t had to write this article for Hammer, I’d probably still be in my bedroom now, wasting away from climaxing repeatedly and surrounded by a zillion Magic Trees like that dude from Seven to try and mask the miasmic mist of my orgasmic muff musk.
As well as packing a tonne of raw power, all the toys are 100% waterproof, which means you can play with them in the bath or shower. It makes them really easy to clean, as well – just wash with warm soapy water to remove clunge gunge or willy silly string.
They have a ‘memory’ function, too: turn them on by pressing the button on the base, and they’ll start at the same speed or pattern you last used, so you don’t have to cycle through all the options to find your fave.
Seriously: they’re surprisingly impressive. I’m almost considering giving up cocks altogether and becoming a Lemmy-sbian.
Cum-by-arghhhhh, my lord! – My expert tips for playing with the Mötorhead vibrators
- For ladies, the bullet vibrator is ideal for tickling the clitoris (gents, the clit is that little nub above a lass’s vagina). Lasses can use it to masturbate alone, but it’s also small and unobtrusive enough to enjoy using during penetrative sex with a partner – indeed, most women need some clitoral stimulation during nookie in order to hit The Big O, so I absolutely recommend breaking out the Mötorhead bullet during bonking.
- In addition, you could experiment with using it to send delicious ripples through the nipples – for both gals and guys. Blokes’ nips can be gorgeously sensitive and playing with them can bring a lot of pleasure, yet sadly they’re often forgotten about and end up seeing less action than Rick Allen’s left drumstick.
- The bullet is also great for holding against the perineum (the patch of skin between a man’s ballbag and anus – not a bottle of Lidl own-brand sparkling water trying to rip off Perrier). Plus, girls can try pressing it firmly against the underside of their chins to add extra sensations while going down on their lovers.
- The bigger vibe is good for whole body massage – try teasing your partner by running it up and down the insides of their thighs, getting tantalisingly closer to their privates each time. It can be inserted into the Snagglefoof too; slick it with a few drops of slippery water-based lubricant like Durex Play Feel for ease of entry.
- If you’re into anal fun, you could pop a condom over the larger vibe for cleanliness, add plenty of lube, and very gently explore what it feels like in the butt area. Just be careful to grip the toy tightly and do not insert it all the way; it doesn’t have a flared base, so it could feasibly disappear into your bumhole – a magic trick that could land you in A&E, looking like a right Arse Of Spades.
The Motörhead Official Pleasure Collection is available now from Lovehoney.