"In The Future, I'd Love To Experience Virtual Sex!"
In Hammer #256 we sent Steel Panther back to the future and then in the same issue we asked a mystic metal panel of heavy hitters what the future holds for rock music
Hammer sat down with Ziltoid The Omniscient, Jesse Leach from Killswitch Engage, Ihsahn, Crossfaith's Koie 'Ken' Kenta, Lzzy Hale from Halestorm, Behemoth's Nergal, Phil Manansala from Of Mice & Men, Luke Hoskin of Protest The Hero, Architects Sam Carter, Tony Foresta of Municipal Waste, Matt from Bullet For My Valentine and Five Finger Death Punch's Zoltan Bathory to debate just where metal might be going. Their answers may surprise you...
WHICH BANDS WILL BE HEADLINING FESTIVALS?
LZZY: “Metallica will have achieved Sabbath status, and will continue ’til the end. I’m saving a slot for that unknown underground band who’re going to come out of nowhere and bring rock to its knees – they might be reading this now.”
NERGAL: “I don’t see any, really. I don’t see Metallicas, Rolling Stones or Depeche Modes in today’s scene!”
PHIL: “An alien cover band playing Of Mice & Men.”
LUKE: “Holograms of famous dead musicians. We might have a shot.”
TONY: “At The Gates – on their sixth reunion, Red Fang and whatever band Jada Pinkett Smith is playing in at the time.”
ZOLTAN: “Avenged Sevenfold, Five Finger Death Punch and Volbeat. Then again, we could end up playing Thunderdome in the post-apocalyptic world of Mad Max.”
WHERE WILL YOUR BAND BE IN 20 YEARS?
TONY: “Still going strong but I will be involved in 27 side-projects.”
JESSE: “Living a life of cursed infamous pirates on the high seas!”
LZZY: “As predicted by Pat Benatar, I will be sitting in my big house, sipping a glass of wine and revelling in the iconic state we will have accomplished.”
SAM: “We will be chilling in our little houses by the sea probably thinking about getting the band back together.”
KEN: “We will be ruling the universe, headlining festivals and kicking ass. We will all have families and kids and those kids will start a band called Crossfaith 2.”
MATT: “In 10 years we’ll still be around doing what we do, but 20 is a long time! We’ll be older men but hopefully we’ll still be doing what we love.”
ZOLTAN: “Well, the way we’re going, in wheelchairs probably.”
WHAT INVENTION WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MAKE IT TO THE LIGHT?
NERGAL: “I’d love to experience virtual sex when you actually feel, touch, etc.”
KEN: “Flying cars would be the most kickass thing ever – like in Back To The Future! I want a flying Ferrari, that would be awesome.”
ZOLTAN: “We are running out of resources so it’s more like a necessity at this point to print nutrition-optimised food. Also, it would be cool to have bio-sensors that can monitor your body, design meals and a health plan specifically for you so you are always running on optimal energy.”
IHSAHN: “The Japanese will have installed solar panels around the moon.”
LZZY: “Well, hopefully The Singularity will have happened.”
WHAT WILL WE ALL BE WEARING?
MATT: “Sizes and fits will change but in a rock band you need nothing more than denim and a cut-off t-shirt!”
NERGAL: “Black will always be fashionable. No matter what kind of clothing, as long as it’s black.”
PHIL: “Bio-mechanical armour.”
LZZY: “Well, I’ll still be in my leather jackets and high heels, but I’m predicting the kids will be into something resembling the 1930s just to spite us.”
JESSE: “Eye patches, peg legs, puffy shirts and swords strapped to our thighs!”
KEN: “Nothing – clothes will be a thing of the past! Everything will be backwards – when you have sex with someone there will be a full body condom.”
TONY: “White high-top Nikes that lace themselves up like in Back To The Future.”
ZILTOID: “The skulls of my vanquished foes. And comfy ‘sock-ettes’.”
WILL YOU HAVE A PERSONAL ROBOT?
JESSE: “We already do, they’re called iPhones and iPads, but in 20 years we won’t need them, we will just need swords and ships and treasure maps to smuggle booty and pillage.”
IHSAHN: “Hopefully not, as we’re sitting on our asses too much already.”
MATT: “I’d want the robot from Rocky IV who could get you a beer and clean up after you. They predicted this back in the 80s and we don’t have it yet. Someone needs to invent this shit.”
SAM: “Hell no! Have you seen I, Robot?”
KEN: “In Japan you can get a personal robot – they have robots now that will clean your house!”
LZZY: “Fuck yeah, as long as Skynet doesn’t take over.”
WILL WE HAVE CONTACTED ALIENS?
TONY: “Not only will we have contacted them but the All Star Alien Jam Band will be headlining Download 2034!”
JESSE: “We already have, they’re called women.”
LZZY: “I think we already have, but it will be more acceptable to believe such things.”
IHSAHN: “I doubt it. If so, let’s hope they resemble Spock.”
LUKE: “We already have. Joe Satriani.”
NERGAL: “Only God knows.”
SAM: “If I’m honest, I think we’ve probably contacted them but the government just don’t want to tell us.”
KEN: “I hope so! It would be an awful big waste of space in the universe if we were the only intelligent beings. I really hope we do so they can give us all this cool technology.”
PHIL: “Yes, I’ve already met aliens.”
ZOLTAN: “I know a few personally, like Danny from Asking Alexandria or Herman Li – have you seen him play and abuse a guitar? That’s not from Earth. Plus he travels around with his robot, Sam, who was built to extract the planet’s entire alcohol stockpile.”
MATT: “I don’t think that shit is real. If it was the real deal we’d know by now with all the technology we have and how far we can see into the galaxy and all that bullshit. Why need aliens when you can have a hoverboard?”
Are you sure you really want your own robot?
HOW WILL THIS GENERATION BE REMEMBERED?
LZZY: “Being the last generation to truly appreciate having everything at our fingertips.”
IHSAHN: “The superficial ‘more me’ generation that took everything for granted, until it was too late.”
LUKE: “As a bunch of piddling, pencilnecked wieners. As is tradition.”
PHIL: “Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Undertaker and The Rock.”
ZOLTAN: “The Facebook generation. Or the one that played Call Of Duty and Grand Theft Auto really well while the real world fell apart outside their windows.”
KEN: “As the party generation. We are going to rave it up until 2040!”
TONY: “I think it was a really good time for underground metal. People really started to really take notice of it in the past 10 years. I hope we will be remembered for that and not the rap/rock thing.”
NERGAL: “Chaotic but very inspiring and revolting. It’s great times now.”
JESSE: “It won’t. People will only remember the day Blackbeard’s ghost whispered in the ears of all freedom-loving men to take arms against the foes who have kept us as slaves all of these years!”
SAM: “I hope this generation will be remembered for the ones that stood up and took back our voices to make real changes in the world.”
MATT: “Like every generation that came before it – unfashionable, uncool losers. We’ll be the people talking about ‘all this new rubbish’ and how things aren’t like they used to be.”
ZILTOID: “As the one that realised far too late that money is a metaphor for fear.”
WHAT GENRE WILL SUDDENLY BE COOL AGAIN?
KEN: “Contemporary heavy metal jazz pop!”
TONY: “Thrash will become uncool again then have its third resurgence 20 years from now. An elderly Dave Mustaine and Municipal Waste – with no original members – will cash in on it hard.”
IHSAHN: “Eighties metal. Again.”
LUKE: “I hope original motion picture scores finally get their day in the sun.”
SAM: “Disco will rear its head again. It’s pretty popular right now so I can see it going and coming back.”
JESSE: “Crunk but for pirates.”
LZZY: “Kids are gonna be clean of tattoos and piercings and into opera with a modern twist because all the old farts are gonna be listening to metal and have tattoos and body mods.”
ZILTOID: “The acidic formulas that have proved toxic to your species regurgitate at random, depending on the fiscal needs of your fashion elite. As soon as what makes young human males receive sexual contact of any sort becomes tied with a sound or look, expect fat, tired human males to sell it to you again with nary a trace of remorse or concern for what it represents to the infinite. So yeah… probably some sort of cross-genre bullshit.”
WHO WILL BE VOTED KING OF THE UNIVERSE?
MATT: “James Hetfield. No question.”
LZZY: “My little brother, Arejay.”
TONY: “Lemmy. Duh!”
KEN: “Corey Taylor!”
JESSE: “Carrot Top.”
IHSAHN: “Someone who won a reality show contest.”
PHIL: “Shaq or Bill Clinton.”
LUKE: “Michael Phelps.”
NERGAL: “Kerry King.”
ZOLTAN: “I thought it was Flash Gordon. Is there a job opening? Have weapons, will travel.”
SAM: “Somebody that makes everybody change what they’re doing and prolong our time on this planet.”
ZILTOID: “The one who can figure out the key to my heart. Hopefully a woman with 15 anuses and the ability to know what I want to eat without asking.”
Fresh from their trip in the Hammer DeLorean, the Steel Panther boys returned to London to headline a sell-out show at Wembley Arena, click below to go backstage with the boys in the band.