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New Testament: The Hell's Black Mist wants to keep metal stupid

Has heavy metal become too nice? Do bands and fans take themselves too seriously? The Hell’s Black Mist thinks metalheads need to toughen up and lighten up

Everybody’s seen Pantera’s Watch It Go movie, right? If you haven’t, put down this magazine instantly and get with the fucking programme, dickhead, and be grateful that I haven’t kicked down your door and punched your fucking nose off.

Pantera. Now there’s a bunch of heavy metal dudes who didn’t give a fuck. You wouldn’t have caught Dimebag (RIP) sobbing to his cherished fans on YouTube about how much they all mean to him, nor would Rex be sharing selfies on Instagram... “In bed with a poorly tum-tum. #loveme”

Metal bands should not be your friends. And you shouldn’t want them to be. The second I see Max Cavalera in a onesie, I’m burning my special-edition Arise re-release. As a kid, I wanted to think that Biohazard would beat the living shit out of me if I ever wandered over to the wrong side of the tracks.

Metal has changed. Breaking news, right? Trust me, I hate dickheads who waffle on about how music was better in the good ol’ days more than anyone, but the internet really has changed everything. Where’s the fucking mystique? The awe? It’s fucking gone, replaced by crowdfunded trips to Woburn Safari with your favourite cute singer. If you really want a guitarist in a heavy band to be your mate, get involved in your local hardcore scene – it’s a community and that’s what it’s there for.

If metal isn’t about the obscene, the extravagant, the ridiculous, then what the fuck is it about? There was plenty of dumb shit knocking around when I was a lad. Take your fucking pick – Coal Chamber, Static X, Orgy, Powerman 5000... countless nu metal catastrophes. You know what, though? It was still ‘dangerous’. Of course they all looked (and sounded) like right fucking wallies, but they had their own thing going on, y’know?

I’m not saying that nu metal drivel should make a comeback, but I just can’t help thinking that the ‘Fuck you! I know I’m a dickhead!’ attitude should. Heavy music is supposed to be a bit stupid. Fuck, it is a bit stupid. I mean, think about it: four dudes playing their instruments as hard and fast as possible with their mate who couldn’t be bothered to learn an instrument yelling into a microphone about how the world doesn’t understand him. You want avant-garde, stylish, tasteful music? I’ve got some news, mate – Meshuggah had that one pretty much covered 20 years ago. When you’re a teenager, metal is about pissing off your parents as much as possible and finding your own way of saying, “Chomp on my chuddies!” through the music you blare out of your bedroom window.


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