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The 12 Playlists Of Xmas: The Baa-Humbug List

EMP and TeamRock bring you the 12 Playlists of Xmas: your chance to make your own (anti-Christmas) radio show for TeamRock.

Hate Xmas? Choose your least-appropriate tracks of the season and get your playlist made into a radio show! (Maybe. I mean, there are limits as to what we can broadcast. What? There aren't? In that case, fill yer boots…)

TeamRock has teamed up with EMP for the 12 Playlists of Xmas. Over the next few days we'll be posting Xmas/End of Year playlists – and asking you to submit your playlists. The best 12 will be played once a day in the build up to Xmas and win a TeamRock+ subscription. The details for how to enter are at the bottom of this post.

You might want to skip straight to that bit and ignore all this pish:

Not everybody likes Xmas, it turns out. Take me, for instance. Here I am, a 40-something year old man pulling together a list feature about funny songs that put a negative spin on the traditional Yule-tide stomper. I have just forced myself to listen to Blink-182, Anaal Nathrakh and the entire Oi To The World Christmas album by The Vandals. 

As I write, the British Parliament votes on whether or not to drop bombs on Syria. Meanwhile, I’m listening to a song called Christmas For My Penis: “I know you've been feeling down/All bent up it's so hard to breathe/Don’t fret this Christmas/You’ll get the attention you need… It's Christmas time for my penis.” 

Best Song To Ring Out From A Musical Xmas Card Sent to David Cameron? Christmas In A Body Bag by The Clap.

# Worst Song To Listen To When Wondering What Happened To Your Career

I wanted to be a novelist, or a scriptwriter or summat. Sitting at home, making shit up every day, only having to deal with the wankers of the world when I had to go cash a royalty cheque, pick up an award from Lauren Laverne, get my ego massaged by Melvyn Bragg or tell Martin Scorsese not to fuck up my script. That’s the life I had laid out before me. 

But no. Listicles. On the internet. About crap Xmas songs.

#Song You Shouldn't Really Have Played As Your Children Wrote Out Their Letters To Santa. 

Try Stop The Cavalry or something next year.

I shouldn’t even be writing this - I’ve got better things to do. I’m trying to help Lucy from the other side of the office out, if I’m honest with you. She came up with this playlist idea – that we come up with some Xmas-related playlists to inspire YOU, yes, YOU to come up with lists of your own that radio will turn into actual shows for broadcast – but she never thought it through, right, and nobody thought it’d ever happen so nobody paid any attention. But they underestimated her, right, cos she’s a 7ft-tall tattooed blue-haired badass that gets an idea in her head and doesn’t fucking let go. She’s a DOER and gawd knows we all need more of those, right?

So yeah. Here it is. The Ultimate Xmas Meltdown Playlist. Think you can do better, Potsie? Let’s fucking see it. 

Until then, move your chestnuts away from that open fire and shove them up your arse. 


# The Song That's Playing In Your Head As Your Mum Asks You For The 22nd Year In A Row If You're Going To Eat Your Sprouts

No mum, I'm not.


# Best Song For A Xmas Night Out

Best song for ANY night out, basically.


# The Song You Try And Use As An Excuse After 'Accidentally' Punching Your Boss

"Seriously, I was listening to the music and, just as you were telling me about how I don't deserve a raise, I meant to punch the air and, like… Ok, I'm going. Just don't call the cops."


#The Song That Most Reminds You Of Kissing Granma's Hairy Top Lip.


# The Song That'll Then Be Some Comfort When You're Unemployed In The Gutter

'Hey Charley I'm pregnant/Living on 9th Street/Right above a dirty bookstore…' Tom Waits can basically make anything sound romantic.


# Best Song For A Boxing Day Hangover

Cos nothing says Xmas like Anaal Nathrakh.


#Best Song For Being Burgled On Christmas Eve


# Best Xmas Song For Upsetting IP Lawyers With

It's Paul McCartney and Jona Lewis backed by… Jet? And there's albums of the stuff here.


# Song That Most Accurately Describes That Unwanted Christmas Present From Your Best Mate

"You took these on an iPhone 6s, right? You can tell, yeah, the picture quality is so vivid…"


Still Don't Hate Xmas? Then Watch This:

Santa's elves drowned themselves in an icy lake after watching this. Rudolph swan dived into the Virgin Pendalino service to Crewe after he saw it. Christmas died in the 80s and Billy Squier and the staff of MTV killed it and here is the evidence:

Think you can do better? TeamRock Radio, in association with EMP, want to turn your anti-social Xmas playlists into radio shows. What tracks do you think would make the perfect Xmas Soundtrack? Enter your tracks here for a chance of winning TeamRock+ membership.

Sign up for the EMP catalogue here.

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