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Alice Cooper: "Trust me, rockstars are dumber than anyone else out there"

From Groucho Marx to Speedos, presidential candidate Alice Cooper offers his manifesto for a better life


ROCK STARS AND POLITICS DON’T MIX

Why would you ask a rock star who to vote for? Trust me, we’re dumber than anybody else out there. Why do you think we’re rock stars? Just because we can write a song or sing a song doesn’t mean we know anything more than anybody else. There’s this myth that if you’re an actor or a rock star, the world has been opened up to you and you have access to all this information that no one else has. Very untrue. If anything, we ignore politics more than anybody else. Alice hates politics.

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS SHIFT MERCHANDISE

I realised a long time ago that I don’t really want to be president of the United States – I just want to sell T-shirts. That’s the honest approach. We have all these excess ‘Alice For President’ T-shirts and we want to sell them. So the best way to do that is run again.

I can’t imagine why anybody would want to be President of the United States. It’s absurd. In 1972, when we started doing this, I was the most absurd person on the planet in the eyes of the people of the United States, so I guess [President Richard] Nixon was the perfect opponent. Then what happens? You get stuck with all these T-shirts. Now you’ve got to sell them. So that’s why I’m running for President again.

ALWAYS GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT

I say ‘no more pencils, no more school books’. School should be out forever. Everybody hates school, so I’m going with stuff that works. Every politician knows that you’ve got to tell the people what they want to hear. Obviously, this’ll only work if school kids can vote, so I say let kids vote. I also think we should cut off people’s right to vote when they reach a certain age. Thirty would be good.

TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE

Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton? They should both win. And this is why. Put Donald in charge of finance. That’s what he does. Hillary was Secretary of State, so take her phone away and have her handle foreign affairs. Why not have both of them? Let one do what he does best and let the other do what she does best. There’s the solution right there. Then, when a decision needs to be made, they need a third guy, who just doesn’t care. They should hire me to do that. Every time a decision needs to be made they can turn to me and I’ll say: “I don’t care. Whatever… Hey, buy a T-shirt.” It’s the Gene Simmons approach to presidency.

AEROPLANE SEATS NEED CUP HOLDERS

Every time you get on an aeroplane, you sit, lower the tray table of the seat in front and it’s slick. Now this is not logical. If you drill a hole in it that fits the cup, the cup won’t spill, and nobody’s figured that out yet? It’s like they’ve apparently never heard of seat belts on Star Trek. So every time they hit a bit of space turbulence everyone falls all over the place. With all their technology, nobody has a seat belt. Sometimes it’s like we miss the forest for the trees.

From the archive

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From the archive

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