How to have the most metal Christmas ever
Christmas isn't very metal, is it? Well that's all about to change.
Christmas doesn’t seem very metal on the surface – it’s certainly nowhere near as metal as Halloween or Chinese New Year. But with a few simple changes to the traditional elements of Christmas, you can make everything feel a bit more, let’s say, Hellfestive.
Turkey’s kind of metal – you’re devouring the carcass of a creature that looks slightly like Satan. They’ve got claws and talons and their skin is the skin of a monster, but if you want to be properly metal about it, eat the liver. The liver is rich in iron, and iron is a metal, so there. You’ll generally find the liver bundled in with the heart and gizzards in the form of giblets. So, go on, eat the giblets. Go on!
The only things about the Queen’s speech that are in any way metal are the robes, crowns, sceptres, decrees and thrones. Alright, that’s kind of loads, but why not instead watch the late Sir Christopher Lee talking about Charlemagne for ages? It’s sort of like the Queen’s speech in that he’s very regal-sounding and really old. You just have to ignore his old-dude polo shirt.
Love Actually has become a bit of a Christmas staple, but why not instead celebrate the bits when actors from Love Actually have been brutally slaughtered in other films? You can have Bill Nighy bleeding out in Shaun Of The Dead, Colin Firth’s murder from Kingsman: The Secret Service, Liam Neeson getting stabbed in Gangs Of New York, or an Alan Rickman megamix of Die Hard, Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves and Sweeney Todd. You could even watch the episode of Eastenders when Tiffany gets hit by a car.
There used to be an advert reminding people that a dog wasn’t just for Christmas, which is true. But do you know what also isn’t just for Christmas? The full-back tattoo of Baphomet that you all clubbed together to buy your dad. Even if he didn’t want one, he’ll be so moved by the gesture that he’ll be face-down in Shaky O’Grady’s Ink Palace in no time.
Buck's fizz is orange juice and fizzy wine drank at breakfast-time, so it could already be a lot worse – pre-noon booze, you know? It would sure as hell look a bit more metal being drunk from an iron goblet, though. Or a tusk. And with both orange juice and fizzy wine being replaced with, like, brown ale or something. Wait, no, goat’s blood. Yeah, goat’s blood. Unless you can’t find it, in which case, a nice brown ale. Lovely!
Scandinavian pine forests are pretty metal, but only when the trees are really big and imposing. Pine trees are evergreens, and come on, green? Black. You either want an everblack tree (like one that's been burned or some sort of leafless mahogany thing) or one made from industrial steel and covered in spikes. With a leather trunk.
Numbers don’t prove anything, but in the four minutes and one second that it takes to listen to Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You, you could listen to all 1.316 seconds of You Suffer by Napalm Death over 183 times. That’s, like, 182 more festive.
A Christmas cracker is essentially a very small piece of pyro. The only complaint there is the “very small” part, so replace the fuse strip with a massive borderline-illegal firework. Actually, while replacing things, swap the jokes with Venom back patches, the crap gift inside with a razor blade like the British Steel album cover, and the hat with a Slipknot mask. It won't be cheap, or safe, but you've got to make an effort.
Leave something wholesome like a carrot out for Rudolph, you’ll get a wholesome present. Leave him something fuckin’ savage like a blood sausage or a sacrificial dagger and your stocking will just be that teeny bit more metal.
There’s a Cannibal Corpse song about entrails being ripped from somewhere that your nan would do a brutal job of in a game of charades.