Christmas gifts for rock fans: the ultimate guide
From Slayer socks to AC/DC sneakers, we've collected together the very best in festive merchandise for the discerning rock fan
Christmas is coming, the goose is really beginning to put on weight, and rock fans up and down the nation are wondering what the hell Santa's going to deliver. Because no one wants a repeat of last year, right?
So we've combed the Internet to find the best gifts for rock fans. If you're a fan, you can point the people buying your presents at this page. And if you're doing the buying, look no further. We have you covered.
Merry bleedin' Christmas.
A dozen bottles of Motorhead Road Crew Beer
The manufacturers describe this tipple as having "hoppy citrus and blackcurrant flavours delivering a crisp, refreshing, superior taste to celebrate the spirit of the song and those who inspired it." Now, we like to think that if this beer had truly been inspired by Motorhead's roadies it'd taste of sweat, superglue and cheap speed, but the Snaggletooth logo on the label means we don't really care about the flavour. It's just enough to know that it's gonna look great in the fridge.
A fridge that looks like a Marshall Stack
You'll need somewhere to store all that beer, right? This mini-fridge will keep your bottles cool while demonstrating to visitors that you're clearly a rock fan of impeccable taste and obvious humour. After all, this is the only fridge you'll ever own that has a volume knob that goes up to 11. It really does. We are not making this up.
A Queen Monopoly Board Game
Launched amid much feverish excitement earlier this year (Brian May even made an unboxing video), the Queen version of Monopoly replaces the familiar tokens with Queen-related paraphernalia (a bicycle, a radio, a hammer, the robot from the cover of News Of The World, the vacuum cleaner from the I Want To Break Free video, and a tiny replica of May's Red Special guitar). Instead of journeying from Old Kent Road to Mayfair, players plot a route from Imperial College to the world's great venues, along the way suffering all the slings and arrows of an outrageous career in rock.
The Gene Simmons Vault Experience
Gene Simmons regularly describes himself as a "handsome and powerful man", and let's face it: that's precisely the kind of confidence you need when compiling a vastly expensive 10-CD box set of previously unheralded career highlights. Less kind critics might be tempted to describe this as a near-perfect example of the barrel scraper's art, but it includes Gene's first ever recording (a song called My Uncle Is A Raft), plus some songs the God Of Thunder made with Bob Dylan, and about 145 other tracks of interest.
The Vault also contains a 160-page book of previously unseen photos, a Gene Simmons figurine, a specially minted commemorative coin, an animatronic tongue with flashing LEDs, two fluid ounces of sweat collected from Gene's boots after a show, and some spectacular indoor fireworks (disclaimer: none of those last three are true). And for just $2000, Gene will hand over your Vault in person at a "once-in-a-lifetime" event near you.
Less well-healed fans of Simmons may find something to enjoy reading his new book, the repetitively titled On Power: My Journey Through the Corridors of Power and How You Can Get More Power which presumably explains how on earth we ended up here.
A Ritchie Blackmore Colouring Book
Or, to give it its full title, Epic Guitarist and The Mind Behind Deep Purple an English Soloist Inspired Adult Coloring Book (Coloring Book for Adults). Yes, it's an actual thing that someone's made and is now available to buy on the internet. For adults. And it's your chance to colour the Man In Black red, or orange, or green, or indeed any other colours of the rainbow, across 36-epoch defining pages.
A Welcome To The Jungle Christmas Jumper
Welcome To The Jungle
We got fun and games
Battleships and Scalextric
And more grown-up stuff for adults, too, like Pictionary and Twister and shit
When Axl & Co fought their way into public consciousness from the mean streets of Los Angeles in the mid 1980s, one can only imagine that this was the end-game they had in mind: a reformation of sorts, a money-spinning world tour, and a holiday sweater featuring the band's familiar logo with the revolvers replaced by candy canes and the roses with mistletoe. You know where you are? You're in the jungle baby, you gonna have a lovely time! Try the turkey! It's delicious! The stuffing is great!
A skull-shaped bottle of Rolling Stones vodka
While this might look like the kind of thing Tintin might stumble across while on the trail of lost Inca treasures, it's actually officially licensed by West London's most successful blues outfit. Remarkably, the man behind the brand is comedian Dan Akroyd, who describes the package as "the ultimate gift package for Stones fans and their families." Wikipedia tells us that the drink is "quadruple-distilled and seven times filtered, with the final three filtrations through Herkimer diamond crystals," and while we've absolutely no idea what any of that that means, we presume it's why Keith Richards is so fond of the stuff.
A scale model of Ed Force One you build yourself
For a band whose career has been defined almost as much by their merchandise as it has been by their recorded output, it's only natural that Iron Maiden should turn to German modelmakers Revell to produce a 1:144 facsimilie of the 747 that ferried them around the globe during the Book Of Souls tour. "We are looking forward to a successful co-operation with Global Merchandising and Iron Maiden on this 2016 new product release," said Revell's Thomas Randrup when the toy was released, clearly unable to contain his excitement.
The Beatles' Yellow Submarine (LEGO® Edition)
Take a pleasant trip under the sea to an octopus's garden 'neath the waves in this LEGO® recreation of The Beatles' iconic Yellow Submarine. It's "ideal for role-play", say the manufacturers, who clearly aren't familiar with the Motorhead range of sex toys. Includes an authentic cockpit.
A nice pair of comfy Slayer socks
Whilst the gift of Christmas socks might be seen in some quarters as unimaginative, a pair of these devilish Slayer socks might just be the perfect stocking-filler for the metalhead in your life. Made from 73% cotton, 22% elastane and 5% nylon, the socks feature classic sock features like a seamless toe closure and toe venting, deep heel pocket and dry low-gore seam. Wow!
AC/DC High Voltage sneakers
Fact: Wear these, and your feet will look better than other people's feet.
A year's subscription to Classic Rock Magazine
12 months of rocking magnificence from your favourite old bands and your favourite new bands. That's 13 individual issues across 1690 pages. Subscribe, and not only each issue will land on your doorstep with a hearty thwack before it's available in the shops, but the cost per issue will be below that of a single pint in the average London pub!
There's no hangover, just a lifetime's worth of reading from some of rock's best writers. You'll also get all the cover CDs, and that sense of satisfaction that only comes from actively supporting the music we all love. You can also subscribe digitally, and have new issues delivered to your iOS device.
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