You can trust Louder Our experienced team has worked for some of the biggest brands in music. From testing headphones to reviewing albums, our experts aim to create reviews you can trust. Find out more about how we review.

Hessian: Bachelor Of Black Arts

You’re probably thinking about it right now, how awesome it would be to put on a cloak, pick up a guitar and worship Satan like there’s no fuckin’ tomorrow. Well here’s the heavy news: someday there won’t be a tomorrow, and Portland Maine’s own Hessian know that. So they’re not wasting any time, man. This is not just an album, it’s a goddamn statement. Magic is alive, brothers and sisters, and it is shooting out of Hessian’s greasy hillbilly-wizard fingers. Bachelor Of Black Arts has everything: dimestore psychedelia, wobbly doom, he-dog alpha metal, and songs about sexy witches, eating eyeballs and disco dancing at a funeral. It sounds like what would happen if you threw all of Blue Öyster Cult’s equipment in a river and made them record their new album using only equipment they either bought at a thrift store or borrowed from the sketchy teenage punk rock band that practises in their basement. If this album doesn’t bring you to the dark side, then you’re probably too lame for the dark side anyway. (⁷⁄₁₀)

Hobosexual: Hobosexual II

Yeah, worst name ever, but aside from that, holy christ, what a record. Pure balls-out, axe-swinging, chest-hair grooming, virgin-killing thunder rock from the fertile forests of darkest Seattle. They don’t even sound like any other bands, they just sound like the coolest custom van ever. This is the album to play if you’re about to do something really stupid or really heroic. (⁸⁄₁₀)

Eagle Tears: Eagle Tears

Montreal’s Eagle Tears play arena rock with such authenticity that you’re almost taken aback by how much the lyrics on over-the-top stunners like Hot Lovin’ On The Street sound like cheap come-ons from the classified section of an old porno mag. But that’s the way shit went down back in the day. These dudes are clearly the Canadian Whitesnake. (⁷⁄₁₀)

Piss Test: Biggest Band in Europe

They’re not even the biggest band in Portland Oregon, where they’re from, but it’s bonus points for thinking big. Anyway, Piss Test might be the greatest punk band since the Circle Jerks, and this record includes their hit No Money, which boasts my all-time favorite rock lyric: ‘I don’t make no money/Because I make bad decisions.’ Ha, exactly. Essential listening. (⁸⁄₁₀)

Midnight: No Mercy For Mayhem

While some church burning nerds might argue the point, black metal and rock’n’roll are essentially the same thing, and the lines are blurrier then ever on Midnight’s latest assault on society. Imagine Lemmy with a pumpkin for a head riding a black leather stallion through a sea of blood. That’s exactly how this record sounds. Just faster. (⁷⁄₁₀)

Came from the sky like a 747. Classic Rock’s least-reputable byline-grabber since 2003. Several decades deep into the music industry. Got fired from an early incarnation of Anal C**t after one show. 30 years later, got fired from the New York Times after one week. Likes rock and hates everything else. Still believes in Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction, against all better judgment.